We all enter relationships hoping they will make us happy. Each person has a shopping list of hopes and expectations, secret demands he/she makes on their partners. When those hopes are fulfilled, they consider that they've won - the relationship is successful. However, this approach to relationships usually brings disappointment in the long run. Not only do our hopes, needs and expectations change, but constantly making demands upon our partner can only lead to relationship burnout. A truly winning relationship is built upon a different basis.
The Basis of Winning Relationships
When we think that our happiness is dependent upon what we are receiving, we are bound to be let down. When we know that happiness always grows from what we are giving, we are on the right track. Happiness that depends upon having our needs met, is fleeting. It comes and goes. It has to. When things go well, we are happy. When we get what we want, when the sun is shining, when our boyfriend finally pops the question, these are moments of happiness. The only thing wrong with this kind of happiness is that it revolves around us and our needs.
We become addicted to feeling good or having our needs met. We become addicted to people and circumstances that bring this about. Not only does this addiction become a problem, but as what makes us happy keeps changing, we stay on a merry go round.
Winning relationships are based upon joy. When things are difficult, or our hopes are not fulfilled, it is still possible to feel joyful. Joy, is not a knee-jerk reaction to circumstances. Joy arises from within. It is an attitude of mind that can be developed, a positive choice we make about ourselves and the world we live in.
In a sense joy is a practice. It is an orientation towards life and towards the people in our relationships. Joy is built upon actions. There are steps we can take which allow joy to be present each day. These steps are the foundations of a winning relationship. No matter what happens, when you live in this manner, you feel good about yourself and your partner.
l) Give Up Blaming The Other Person.
It is very easy to find many things wrong with the person you are in a relationship with. When we are upset, we attribute it to something they've said or done. This puts our well being in another's hands. It is one of the most significant ways we destroy our peace of mind. It is also one of the most significant ways we undermine the other person.
. Each person has the right to be who they are at this moment. Realize that no one made you their judge and jury Also realize that if you are upset or unhappy at their behavior, that is your response, it does not necessarily mean that something is wrong with them. By blaming another for your unhappiness, you are disempowering yourself.
Give it up. Just observe their behavior. Get to know them. Say to yourself, they have a right to be who they are, and I have a right also. In fact, it is your own expectations which are upsetting you. When you do not put your expectations on the other, but are willing to get to know who they are, blame dissolves easily.
2) Learn The Art Of True Giving
There is a huge difference between really giving to another, and giving so you can get something back in return. When we give in order to get something back, (and secretly demand it), this is nothing more than manipulation, and quickly kills our joy.
A winning relationship is based upon true giving. This means giving with no strings attached. Giving something to the person that they need or would like, (not something that pleases you). Some fear to give, feeling that they will be drained. The opposite is true. The more we give, the more we have.
There are many things that can be given - many people need time, attention, acknowledgment, the chance to be right about something. Make a list of all the things you can give another.
Practice giving freely. Do it in little steps at first. The more you do it, the more your joy will grow.
3) Learn How To Really Listen
There is no better way of building a wining relationship than by learning to really listen to your partner. Real listening means stopping the little voice inside that always comments, criticizes or is thinking about what it is going to say next. When you really listen to and hear another, you are giving them an enormous gift. When a person is really listened to and understood, they feel loved.
When you develop this ability, you will be amazed at how the people around you will start opening up, and you'll also be amazed at how joyful your own life will become.
4)Stop Wanting To Change The Other Person
One of the biggest thieves of our joy is our constant desire to fix or change
the other person. One person feels they cannot love the other unless that person changes. The other feels hurt, inadequate and as though something is wrong with them. Everybody becomes hurt and frustrated.
So often we hear the phrase, if you loved me enough you would change for me.
the other person. One person feels they cannot love the other unless that person changes. The other feels hurt, inadequate and as though something is wrong with them. Everybody becomes hurt and frustrated.
So often we hear the phrase, if you loved me enough you would change for me.
But winning relationships is built upon our ability to love the person as they are, (including the parts of them that may not please you). A person has not been put on earth to make you happy. They have been put here to grow, develop and discover who they are.
The odd thing about change is that the more we let go of wanting to change the other, the sooner they are able to change because they don't have to stay as they are as a matter of pride.
5)Develop Patience
Patience is an old fashioned word in today's worlds of instant technology. However, the more patient you are with yourselves and others, the less you will feel frustration and the more easily you will develop joy. When you learn to be fully in the moment, and to allow each relationship to grow and develop in its own rhythm, this is a sure fire way to allow both of you to win.
It's necessary to realize that right at this moment, we are lovable and acceptable, just as we are. The more love and acceptance we can offer, the more everyone experiences joy and the easier it is for us to build our relationships upon a foundation that cannot falter.
Cc/author/2005
Discover the surprising truths about love that will save your relationship by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Save Your Relationship (21 Basic Laws of Successful Relationships). http://www.truthaboutlove.com
Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and has run over 500 workshops on all aspects of relationships and fulfilling your potential. She is the author of many books, including Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), Why Men Leave (Putnam), What He Can’t Tell You And Needs To Say, (Putnam) and many others.
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